The Couch Casbah

When I was thinking of what to write for my next post I was thinking along the lines of a tribute to Pauline Hanson’s political career. God bless her, I may hate her views but she was feisty as ever. Her famous quote “I believe we are in danger of being swamped by Asians” still rings in my ear like an excessively loud cowbell. Her naive observation that “They (Asians) have their own culture and religion, form ghettos and do not assimilate.” has all the earmarks of ignorance and illogic. Now I know I’m flogging a dead horse (carthago delenda est), but I am in awe of how a relic of the White Australia Policy managed to make it so far. In fact she quotes Arthur Calwell, a staunch supporter of White Australia at the time and says that she wholeheartedly agrees with it.
Asians form ghettos and do not assimilate. Gotta love generalisations, especially when they cover billions of people.

Of course, over 2 billion people all share the same personality trait.
Of course, over 2 billion people all get along like a house on fire.
Of course, over 2 billion people all want to steal your jobs.
Of course, over 2 billion people are in your dole linez stealing ur welfarez.
My entire life philosophy, academic thought and principles in general could not be more diametrically opposed to Pauline Hanson’s vision of a so-called “unified nation”. Unity? More like uniformity. But I will give her some concessions.
Pauline Hanson got it all wrong, she was targeting the wrong thing about Asians. (I will not bother to separate “Asians” into separate nationalities, to keep things in the spirit of Hanson). I would not talk about the ghettos or lack of assimilation, what I would be talking about is how Asians don’t walk so fast and block my path all the time at uni.
Now there’s your national crisis. Screw unemployment figures.
The amount of times I have seen bloody “international students” (lets be honest, they are practically all Asian) block my way to either the library or the canteen is extraordinary. It must be some sort of space wasting algorithm that’s programmed when they land. You would be walking along behind a group and then all of a sudden they stop and SPREAD OUT SO THEY BLOCK THE WHOLE ROAD. Exaggeration? I DONT THINK SO. Why yesterday I was at a restaurant and a whole flood of Asians came in and stole my food, my money and took legal ownership of the place.
I saw one group of Asians at a department store loitering in front of an escalator! Everybody had to go “oh excuse me, but can I get through this huddle of dimwits so I can continue my shopping activity?”. Here’s news to you Asians, YOU DON’T OWN DAVID JONES….yet.
Asians are bad for the environment. Imagine all the CO2 emission savings if we got Asians of the street. Because apparently 101% of Asians are shit drivers. (I hope you aren’t taking this seriously Takuma Sato….call me). So theoretically if we implement the Hanson Plan we would have less traffic congestion, faster transport times and cheaper fuel. Plus everybody will be happy and sing Jefferson Starship.
Ghettos? Assimilation? Who gives a shit when you got Asians blocking the pedestrian crossing like its some scene from Lost in Translation? How the hell can I vote for you Pauline if Asians are blocking the roads to the polling booths?
Didn’t think about that one….did ya Pauly? But then again thinking was never your strong suit, you’re a doer and I respect that.

Sandy sat in her bubble seat, sucking on a sour fizz lolly pop and gazing dreamily at the life size cutout of Barack Obama in her room. She thought how exciting it was to have stolen the cardboard from that election convention months ago and she couldn’t take her eyes off of his sweet dinosauric pearly whites, the smile larger than his face and eyes crinkled indicating genuine happiness. “Oh Barack…”

The sound of Power of Love gushed out of her stereo “Don’t need money, don’t take fame, don’t need no credit card to riiide this train.” She pictured Marty McFly in Back To The Future tailing a pickup truck with his skateboard, and remembered the man in the cafe that always dreamed of being Mayor. Just like Obama. The likeness was uncanny. She wondered whether Back To The Future had taken elements of it’s story from Barack Obama’s life story by sending it’s screenwriters forwards in time in the Delorian, but what about the Flux Capacitor? It must be real. Legend has it that Back to the Future didn’t use props, everything that appears was fully functional and filmed in it’s functioning state.

She paused the replay of Back To The Future in her mind and turned her attention to the willy-wag-tail bird-things chirping away on her window sill. They barked their wild music, blowing Huey Lewis in the stereo to carbon. One of them bore a red mohawk like feather tinging over it’s head and down its back, and it’s brow sat furrowed while it’s eyes moved over Sandy. It was like the head gremlin in .. Gremlins, the one with the white mohawk. Why was this bird thing here? Why was it looking at Sandy so? Were it’s friends in league with the rogue sparrow, or were they security guiding this criminal flighted animal on a guided stroll outside the confines of it’s natural prison; the ancient oak in the yard? Suddenly the red tinged wag tail squawked and lunged at her face with it’s menacing doom beak. She decided it was the latter, that the hell-bird was a serial offender of violence, and screamed out “POLICIA!”. But no one came. The bird fluttered around her hair, ruffling its feathers and huffing it’s little chest in red-tinged rage. The birds beak wasn’t strong enough to pull a leaf off of a tree, but it thought it was bad enough and Sandy was convinced.
“POLICIAAAAA!!!”

She ran for the draw in her desk and took out a pair of chop sticks, snapping them together like the wag-tail were a fly and she were the Karate Kid proving his worth to his sensei. She clicked them together repeatedly and nipped feathers that floated through up and around in the air like a burst goose-down pillow. The red tinged wagtail felt the tide was turning against it with the introduction of these menacing chop sticks and made a run for the window where it’s armoured guards were seen fluttering up and down in mad confusion, not knowing what to do. The chirping frenzy blew the glass out of Sandy’s bedroom window outwards and down towards the lawn where her father stood flabergasted at the proceedings, mouth gaping, shocked. He did not move as the glass rained down upon him, but he didn’t need to. A giant flying tortoise sprang from the earth and shielded him from death by piercing, a grand smile upon it’s darling ancient face and stubbly small elephant feet stretched outwards like jet burners. Sandy ran to her broken window and looked out. She looked at the tortoise, then looked at the red tinged wagtail and his escorts still on her sill. She smiled. And she said, “policia.”

The End

The following statement is not a convenient grab for attention and sensationalist, but:

“TODAY’S KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL”

Empirical studies (yet to be published) have shown that discipline in kids, according to the Child Discipline Index, has dropped a record low of 57.34 down from 114.54 the previous year. Clearly, discipline is at an all time high and I have evidence through an example, none of this ’science’ mumbojumbo.

An article from the Times Online:

Mother’s sting catches son, Cory Ryder, ‘hiring hitman to kill her’

“Like many middle-class, suburban American parents, Shannan and Joey Troiano worried about their son’s behaviour and his bad grades at high school. And like many wayward teenagers, Cory Ryder was grounded for weeks at a time, had a PlayStation confiscated and was banned from watching TV.”

“Less typically, this 16-year-old was plotting to murder his parents by hiring a hitman, while his mother was organising a sting operation involving a police officer posing as a contract killer….”

“Mrs Troiano remembers the night on June 2 when she discovered that the vague threats her son had made were serious. A woman Cory trusted, the mother of one of his friends, took him to a hotel room where he met an undercover police officer pretending to be a hitman….”

“He walked out of lessons at Spring Ridge Middle School in Lexington Park, smashed a fire extinguisher case and then broke into the county fairgrounds, where he vandalised property. A judge sentenced him to supervised probation and his parents attended no less than 36 meetings with the authorities about him.

But Cory dropped out of school and then, after stealing $45 (£22) from his sister’s piggy bank, had a fight with his mother, which led to him being kicked out of home.

He has since told officials that he was upset about being thrown out of the house and that he felt pressured to talk to the man in the hotel.

Cory insists that he never intended to have his parents killed and that he wanted to call the police that night in the hotel room. A judge has ruled that he should be tried in the juvenile system, which means that he cannot be held beyond his 21st birthday.”

Gone are the days when abused/oppressed children sought their retribution by patiently biding their time to sent their folks to a second-rate nursing home. In today’s modern society with such gadgetry such as the toaster and mobile phone, children have become impatient and arrogant in their revenge-seeking skills.

Is this representative of a greater trend that children today are extremely spoilt? I believe this is not the case and I boil it down to how kids are being educated. Is it not true that every human has the right to freedom? Education is a burden on today’s child. The cement walled prison of education institutionalism traps the child’s soul at the tender age of 5. It has been statistically proven that 95% of children do NOT want to learn at school. This type of attitude of learning has bred a type of rebel environment within the schools and has only gotten worse ever since schools were created in 1973.

Now we have a global crisis of biblical proportions. Kids run rampant with the belief that they rule the streets. Discipline is at an all time low and everybody has got to accept the blame. Corporal punishment is the only solution to this epidemic. Parents and teachers unite, as the we hark back to the days of the belt whipping and cane smacking.

Dont like calculus Billy? Then go to the principal’s office to get the shit kicked out of you.

Has our so-called “civil” society broken down to the point where a child thinks he has the right to hire a hitman to whack his mother? Violence must be met with violence, children must learn that you cannot threaten your parents with murder, blackmail or lawsuit. Billy should tremble with fear when Dad comes home ready for a fresh beating.

It is with this call to arms I salute Oprah and her Leadership Academy. Which until now, was enforcing the old-fashioned values of totalitarian rule. There is no room for complacency when it comes to heavy handed policy based on generalisations and hearsay.

i take like 3 hrs write this song for grl I post chrod soon once i made the moneys cos is like secret chord. & make capitol letter each line begin like pro styles i hope u aprecait

Love you like peaches and the pear
To you I swear it clear like fig
With hours in heart it find good way
And hold it down in sun to-day
Why go babe I like you such
But hey you say don’t go that way
Cant halp but feal you lay in hay by bay
Theres beatle on the basket dear
Go out pray love it stuck us here
Some such weather in air it cold
Heat from mine heart is nothing old
It main cause global warming, babe
Cos I lieks you like that

Don’t go away, dun leav me here
I hav too much green houses
Pls absorb or Al Gore make more movie
Noooooo, ooooh woohhh,
Abosb green houses girl u save my world
Noooooo, oooh wohhhhhh ye

I sees the light it blinding soul
Mmm yea liek sake in bowl
Hay girl, you know it like that
Drink up grl, let night take back
Let give back fun tiems yea
I so happy when look at u
Are u happy to, I kno u do

Now if go away, and leav me here
I hav to much green houses
Pls absorb or Al Gore make more movie
Noooooo, ooooh woohhh,
Abosb green houses girl u save my world
Noooooo, oooh woohhhhh ye..

finishd now that is where stop sing and play and dont play anemore cos it complete tyty xo

Although it there has been scientific evidence that air does indeed help humans live, recent laboratory tests in Bolivia has shown that air (more specifically O2 molecules) taken in excess can be deadly. Dr. Pedro-Guerro, leading professor and utmost authority on Airology told CCN in an exclusive interview “While we have yet to gather the latest rounds of results, currently it seems that air can be deadly if breathed in beyond a human’s lung capacity”.

Dr.Pedro-Guerro’s work could have serious ramifications around the globe. Whilst the research is still in its infancy, the House of Representatives in the U.S. has already legislated the Freedom Act, which will enable security forces in the country to combat excess O2 molecules. In a press conference yesterday, President George W. Bush has asked Congress for a further US$35 billion to fight excess air in Iraq. The CIA has also expressed concern that North Korea may be shipping illegal pure air into Iran, a trade which has made various members of Congress worried.

Terrorists have access to air already. But Government officials have played down the risks of an Air Bomb attack. Dr.Pedro-Guerro comments “Air is deadly, but for it to be used as a weapon of mass destruction would be highly unlikely, the mortality rate would be far too low”.

How do we protect ourselves?
Until a cure can be found, or better yet, a vaccine. Patients that suffer from the following symptoms:
· Increased rate of breathing
· Dizziness
· Tingling sensations
· Hallucinations

Are urged to see their nearest GP. The best preventative measure to stop an “O2 overdose” is to use common sense. Common sense has been found to be the cheapest way to stop this new threat. Several hospitals in Adelaide have set up specialised breathing clinics to ensure that the population knows how to use newly created Government Standard breathing technique ‘BreatheSmart’. All lessons are covered under Medicare.

Should we panic?
Possibly. With cases of SARS still common around the globe, respiratory problems are continually on the rise. What is needed is multi-billion investments in new drugs to combat the ever sliding levels of common sense. We asked to interview Federal Health Minister Tony Abbott for an interview but has declined. Shame Mr. Abbott, shame.

A stoner talking about weed is like a morbidly obese person talking about their favourite jam filled donut with the pink icing and sprinkles. Smoke your doobie and move on. It isn’t taboo, it isn’t profound. It’s reverse-caffeine with a dash of nice. Eat your jam donut and move on, premeditating it’s consumption serves only to increase wanting and leads to prolonged and painful death by desire.

Heed and feel the …

As anyone who knows me quite well will tell you, I am undoubtadly one of the biggest cricketing tragics you’ll meet. I mean if I keep living at home till I’m 30 and start growing really thick eyelashes, who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to rip off a show that is really great but takes the piss out of me.

Anyway, one of my favourite things in the sport of cricket is sledging. It makes the game. So I thought I’d use this first blog at the Casbah to show some of these fine examples of sportsmanship. You’ll notice Merv Hughes features alot in this.

1. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

2. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.”
Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say fuck off.”

3. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During the 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t fucking bat”.
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:”Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t fucking bat & you can’t fucking bowl.”

4. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler enquired, “Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?”
“Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit,” Brandes replied.

5. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: “It’s red, round & weighs about 5 ounces.” Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground.
“You know what it looks like, now go find it,” Ponting replied.

6. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
“Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted. This may have been where Shane’s impetus to take diuretics came from.

7. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife & my kids?”
“Wife’s fine, kids are retarded”, was Botham’s reply.

8. And of course you can’t forget Ian Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt.”
Anyway kids, get out there and enjoy your cricket. And don’t forget after reading these wonderful examples of sportsmanship, to show your opposition the same respect.

What do Ashley Olsen and Leonardo DiCaprio have in commmon? Apart from being cool? They smoke. So we have two facts:

They both smoke
They are both cool

Now that’s hot AND sexy

So let’s summarise our findings and conclude that smoking makes you cool and rich.

I believe smoking makes you popular, rich and cool. Why do you think so many people smoke? Sure the addictive nicotine might have to do with it, but it’s got to do with success. Success like you’ve never seen before.

William Shatner smokes.

Let’s face it, smoking makes you a better person. Once you start smoking I gurantee your wildest dreams will come true. This is no exaggeration. You may be asking if I smoke. I don’t, but that’s because I’m a loser. People that smoke may not explicitly say that smoking is for winners, but it’s what they think deep down inside. Non-smokers are NOT cool, we simply aren’t that hip.

Guess what? This guy doesn’t smoke

Dustin Diamond smokes (yes he’s sexy, he made his own porno, how can he NOT).

But don’t take my word for it. Many popular US Presidents smoked. These included Teddy Roosevelt, Warren Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton…and John F. Kennedy (who insisted on Cuban cigars…yes, the IRONY). Are you starting to see the trend here? Smoking makes you smart and alert. This is why many racing drivers smoke. George W. Bush doesn’t smoke, what does that say about non-smokers huh?

Albert Einstein smoked (probably).

Smoking MAY make you sick. Cancer and the such, quite annoying. But that doesn’t stop smokers, because they are SMART, they understand that in the long run it doesn’t matter. People love giving pity and nothing is sexier than trying to pickup ladies on your deathbed. Set your life support machines to “sexy” and let tobacco do the lovemaking.

David Hasselhoff smokes.

Let’s look at the other side of the debate. Anti-smoking organisations and lobby groups. ARE THEY COOL? Are they living the high life in limos and private jets? NO! Of course not, they are mostly volunteer groups that run on teeny weeny budgets that would be one eigth of a tobacco company’s CEO salary for the year. So it’s the Marlboro Man versus Patrick Reynolds (anti-smoking spokesperson). ‘Nuff said.

vs.

The tobacco industry creates jobs, it is good for tobacco farmers and for the healthcare industry. Rising costs, schmising costs. Big business makes big sense, big sense means big COOL.

So kids take a look at the anti-smoking campaign ads, take a good hard look. Are THEY cool? Then look around the corner to see that street bum smoking….now THAT’S cool.

I offer an alternative solution for those that want to look cool without getting sick (although I don’t know why, as it is one of the benefits of smoking…idiot). Justin and I are marketing a new brand in smoking that has taken the world by storm. Look Cool Without Getting Sick, coming to a store near you.

Now that exams are wrapping up/over (or never had any to begin with) , free time will increase and so will the thumb twiddling, the twiddling of deciding what to do now that you ain’t got assignments. Sure you can play sports, watch movies or go out with friends (LIKE A LOSER). OR you can be the BEST at something that not alot of people pay attention too. You could be the BEST at something only have a few thousand professionals around the world. You could be the BEST….

At Rock Paper Scissors (RPS).

With the 2006 World Championships over, NOW is the time to train up for next year’s tournament. Gladiators, Boxers and Ninjas ain’t got squat compared to a pro RPS player. To play RPS requires athleticism, mental composure and most importantly, the will to WIN.

Pro RPS Athletes…all game baby

Friends, I direct you to the RPS Society, organisers of world events and symposiums. A place where you can read about various strategies. Oh yes, there’s strategies…

Train with your friends, train with your pets, train with yourself. There’s plenty of RPS to be played if you want to reach the top. This is not a game of chance, this is a game of psychology. Where each throw means something, according to a RPS Society article:

“Equal but Not Equal

On the surface, RPS appears to be a game of chance. After all, according to the rules, each throw is equal, right? Each defeats one other throw and loses to one other throw.
Perhaps to a computer the throws actually are equal. To the human mind, that is seldom the case. Whether because of associations with the symbols or the hand positions that represent them, players perceive the three throws to have distinct characteristics. These vary from player to player, but generally fall into some common patterns.”

According to this article, men tend to throw Rock first. This is because it is a symbol of strength, of brute force. MANLY MEN throw rock. It’s the throw that’s used by the most aggressive players and is seen as a “breakthrough” throw.

The article also mentions scissors’ psychological meaning….

“…Scissors are a tool…Scissors are associated with industry, craft work, making things. There is still a certain amount of aggression associated with scissors; they are, after all, sharp and dangerous implements. Scissors, however, represent aggression that is controlled, contained, re-channeled into something constructive. In RPS, scissors are often perceived as a clever or crafty throw, a well-planned outflanking maneuver. As such, players are more likely to use scissors when they are confident or winning.”

And the last throw is seen by this article as the most subtle throw. A throw that’s peaceful, calm and serene. Like a sign of friendship.

There are plenty of strategies and tips in the article, and for an aspiring pros (like me) it is an invaluable resource.

Try playing a souped up version of RPS! (click for full version) Sponge or THE BALL GRAPPLER!?

But is this just making a simple game more complicated? Of course! But it’s what makes it more complicated that’s what makes it simple!

So come on! It’s the holidays….be the BEST at something apart from World Of Warcraft. Get some REAL skills. RPS will give you the confidence that you need to get ahead in life, with results such as:

Improved social skills
Higher wages
Positive Externalities
End to World Hunger

Find some REAL skills! All you need to do is do some quick searches on the internet to find out what unique skill interests you the most.

I am learning tips and strategies for these competition sports at the moment (just on the side, RPS is going to be my number one sport):

Knots and crosses (Tic Tac Toe)
A game I should study more as it relates to Economics. Von Neumanns Minimax can be applied to this game, therefore it’s an economists dream game (a particularly good example of Game Theory).

Air Guitar
Why Play real guitar when you can play Hendrix style in an instant?

Cup Stacking
I saw a clip of a girl breaking the world record at stacking, and inspired me to try my hand at cup stacking.

With hand eye coordination like that, who needs a fulltime job?

So in the near future if you get bored, just think to yourself…DO YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST!?!?

I am up for friendly challenge matches, I’ll be training hard perfecting my RPS skills. Then next year we march to the world championships!

I leave you with another excerpt from the RPS Society’s Advanced Strategy Guide

“Haven’t a clue what to throw next? Then go with Paper. Why? Statistically, in competition play, it has been observed that scissors is thrown the least often. Specifically, it gets delivered 29.6% of the time, so it slightly under-indexes against the expected average of 33.33% by 3.73%. Obviously, knowing this only gives you a slight advantage, but in a situation where you just don’t know what to do, even a slight edge is better than none at all.”